From the ground level of the Roman Colosseum you see what was undoubtedly the last thing seen by tens of thousands of men and beasts. I tried to imagine what it was like to… hang on I have to take this couple’s picture. OK… Now! just close your eyes and… sorry what? Oh are you needing to get your personal scooter past me… OK. If I can just imagine the smell on the day of the games I can transport myself to… Oh the tour is moving and I can’t get left behind because they think I am deaf… It’s a long story.
When I arrived at the Colosseum I mistakenly thought many things. Among them was that If you have money you can get a ticket. I had seen peoples’ instagram posts and facebook profiles with the very steps Commodus jumped down from in the background, surely I was also allowed to buy a ticket. Even the security officer at the medal detector said that I could. “The app!” He said pointing to a sign that also implied I would have no problem.
Enter unregulated, intergalactic, scalpers. When on the app I found that no tickets were available for the next two hours. Then, as if on cue, a scruffy man from a North African country, I think, asked me if I needed a ticket. I told him no, of course! I had the APP! He waited for me to realize that He had bought all the tickets for the next two hours and that It was an awkward minute and a half.
“Are you sure you no need ticket?” he said.
”How much?” I asked, resigned to knowing it would be more than the 18 Euro on the APP.
”I have one… guided tour right now… 35 Euro!”
”Nope.” I said, still thinking I could float in here and defeat the years of scam prep he had put in.
”OK… 25 Euro. No guided tour?”
Yes! I had beaten him… 25 euro is close and I wanted to do the tour alone anyway! I agreed and then he led me to the “tour guide”. He explained that I would enter with the group then drift away suspiciously and go on my own tour. Perfect! What could go wrong?
We met the guide behind some trees, there was no paperwork of any kind and the “guide”, we’ll call him “Hawk”, looked like homeless man that I saw panhandling a couple of blocks away earlier. And, in fact, he was. It seems if you can walk mostly upright and speak broken English in an Italian accent, instead on change they give you a flag to hold as you walk aimlessly through historic buildings and landmarks with tourists following you around hanging on your every mumble.
I was the last to be scammed so I did not have the headphone unit everyone else did. This unit was given to everyone on the guided tour so that they could clearly hear Hawk mumble unintelligibly. This was fine because I was going to inconspicuously slip away anyway. However, No one told that to Hawk.
Everything would have been fine if today was not the day that Hawk decided to be an over achiever.
As soon as we got in the line the Danish people who have a robust and childlike sense of fairness and bold style of communication began yelling openly at Hawk. They said “Speak up! For NO ONE can hear you!”
Hawk then looked at me and said “Pleesee! Headset!” I had been discovered and we weren’t even past the medal detectors.
I declined the headset three times. Hawk said “You no likee a the wordsa?” A Lebanese man tried to give one of his earphones as Hawk asked why I no likee the wordsa. I finally announced that I could not hear. Implying deafness but technically, and ironically, not saying out loud. Everyone looked a little embarrassed (Except the Danes of course) and I thought I was now free to slip away under the cover of my new identity.
Once past the security line, but still not really in the Colosseum, I tried to mosey, slide, and shuffle away from the group. But Hawk, with his new knowledge of my disability and his renewed approach to a better life, had become very concerned for my safety. He insisted I stand next to him. Politely chasing me down each time I staged an escape. This went on for 45 minutes or so with Hawk intermittently holding my face in front of his and spit yelling kind things at me, like, “We canta lose our familia!" Always looky outta for the familia!”
Finally I found a turn with too many outlets for him to check at once and ducked into a stone hallway realizing that I had just gotten the “real life escaped gladiator tour"!
Later I ran into the Danes. They had also escaped the tour and asked me something in ASL (American Sign Language). I nodded and smiled knowing it was something about escaping Hawk. I must have nailed it because they laughed and high-fived.
Certain people might say “You should have prepared better!” or “When traveling abroad you should… blah blah blah.” But, all said and done, I would have paid the full 35 euro for that tour AND I have a place to stay if I ever go to Denmark.
"...so that they could clearly hear Hawk mumble unintelligibly" 🤣